That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
