walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
