Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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