3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
