Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
