glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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