Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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