I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
if only i could text you this smell
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
