Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
