Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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