Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
