how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
they need to just BURY HIM!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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