If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
