your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
