I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
