we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
