either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
