If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
