Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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