he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
