If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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