I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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