she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
