When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
sex in a hospital.. check
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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