The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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