we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Life is so much better after having sex.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
