Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
