Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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