Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
