It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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