wakey wakey hands off snakey
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
