The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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