I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
