In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
