my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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