My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
