I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
