i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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