I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize