woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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