I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
