shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
