i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
