I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
