I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
