The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
