The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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