today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize