Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
