she was so not down for the gang bang
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
