i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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