I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize