At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
