i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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