You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
