I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
