I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize