So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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