i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
