Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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