So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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