Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
