I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
