Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
