sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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